What’s
Best for Your Kids? Easing Your Children
Through Separation
or Divorce from a
Gay Spouse
Separation and divorce are always hard and can
become complicated after one spouse comes out
of the closet. As the straight spouse, you may
feel shocked, hurt, angry and confused. While
no two situations are the same, keep in mind
that many lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender
people come out after they marry, and many couples
in this situation have children. While your pain
and anger will hopefully lessen over time, the
steps you take concerning your children will
have long-term effects, so sustaining your and
your spouse's relationships with your children
should be a primary goal.
When deciding what’s best for your family,
remember that:
- Your spouse is
the same parent. There is no reason to believe that
your spouse
will care
for your children any less or differently
after coming out.
- Many good parents
are gay. Children raised by LGBT parents are
as healthy, secure
and happy as children raised by straight
parents.
Millions
of children nationwide have lesbian or
gay parents.
- Your children
need stable parental relationships. Your children need
to
continue relationships
with both parents to help them adjust
to your separation. Maintain continuity
for your children – don’t
abruptly change or end visits – especially
in times of change. When things get
rough, consider the situation from
the perspective of your children.
- Children need
comfort through separations. Let your children know
that the separation
or divorce is not their fault. Make
sure that they
know they are not loved any less
and are not losing a parent, even though
you and your spouse
will not be living together.
- Your spouse may
have come out only to you. Your spouse may not be
ready to tell others.
Don’t out your spouse. If
possible, deicde together what
you are both comfortable telling
other people about why your relationship is
ending.
- You can try to
work things out. You can work together, and with
a mediator
if necessary,
to create a positive parenting
plan.
- You want to do
the right thing. When you’re
ready to make child custody
and visitation decisions, don’t
use sexual orientation against
your spouse – it doesn’t
affect parenting ability. Courts
use a child-centered approach
that looks at the best interests
of the child – and
you should too.
- You are setting
an example. You will help your children
to accept
change
by modeling
respect
and acceptance for your spouse.
- There’s help if
you need it. You can get support from others
living through similar situations. Find a local
group or talk with friends
and family. The Straight
Spouse Network (www.ssnetwk.org) is a great
resource.
These tips are courtesy
of the Straight Spouse
Network
and Lambda
Legal.
The Straight Spouse
Network is an international
support network of
heterosexual spouses
or partners,
current or
former of GLBT mates.
Lambda Legal is a national organization
committed
to
achieving full recognition
of the civil rights
of lesbians, gay men, bisexuals,
transgendered
people
and people with HIV/AIDS
through impact litigation,
education and public
policy
work.
For more information,
visit:
www.ssnetwk.org
www.lambdalegal.org
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