Tuesday, September 21, 2004

My Husband Has a Double Life

Have you ever suspected that your husband was hiding a secret? Women’s intuition is not usually to be ignored, especially it’s a hunch about cheating or deception. The women on today’s show discovered the ultimate secret after years of marriage -- that their husbands are gay. With New Jersey Governor James McGreevey’s recent disclosure to his wife and the world that he is homosexual, this is an issue that has been thrust into the spotlight. Find out how today’s guests coped with the unexpected news that turned their love lives upside down:


When Darryl and Joy got married 12 years ago, he confessed to her that he thought he might be bisexual, which Joy was completely okay with. Though the couple was then and now still professes to be deeply in love, Darryl started experimenting sexually with men in 2001. He rationalized his actions, saying that it wasn’t cheating since it was technically not something he could experience with Joy.

When Darryl finally confessed his preference to Joy, she was shocked and hurt but has stayed by his side, largely out of allegiance to their three children. The two contend that they have a healthy relationship and that they are just like any other couple who are no longer sexually attracted to each other.

See what Joy has to say about adjusting to life as the wife of a gay man.

Show expert and relationship guru Dr. Debra Mandel commended Darryl and Joy on their commitment to their children and seeing each other through this difficult time, but she suggested that Joy may be holding onto the relationship out of fear of starting over and being alone.
“ Pete and Kathleen”

Pete and Kathleen chose to share their story anonymously, as Pete is only out of the closet to a limited number of people. Kathleen says that for the first seven years of their marriage, they were a “typical couple” and that there was no indication that Pete was bi-sexual. Unknown to Kathleen, Pete had two extramarital affairs with men and finally disclosed his indiscretion to her when she was four months pregnant. Now their families are struggling to accept this news while Pete and Kathleen have permanently separated, though they stay in contact for their daughter’s sake.


As the founder of the Straight Spouse Network, Dr. Amity Pierce Buxton has worked with more than 9,000 couples who are trying to adjust to a spouse’s homosexuality. Dr. Buxton founded the organization after her husband came out of the closet 25 years into their marriage. She and her husband struggled to understand why they were not sexually compatible, when he realized that he had been suppressing his gay tendencies for years. Now through the Straight Spouse Network, Dr. Buxton is devoted to helping couples heal the pain that comes with such a revelation and giving the necessary support to help them move forward.

Quick Clicks

Visit the Advice Archive for the following articles and more resources on today’s topic:

Someone I Love is Gay…. Now What?
What’s Best for the Kids: Easing Your Children Through Separation or Divorce from an LGBT Spouse

Visit Dr. Debra Mandel’s website:

If you suspect your spouse may be hiding a secret, please click here to tell us about it.

For more information on the Straight Spouse Network: